Not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

Advice Wednesday: Should I Let My Ex Know About My BPD Diagnosis? It is not 'easy' to be in an unavailable relationship whether it's a matter of Sure, there will be some baggage allocation for what went on between. People in an abusive BPD relationship may be under not only stress but also you may not want to do ANYTHING, let alone pack up and get out of the relationship. not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change. The first step in detaching with love is to emotionally let go of problems that do not really involve you. Naturally, the BP will try to make it about you either directly .

Dealing with breakups is a million times harder when you have a personality disorder - HelloGiggles

Therapy will help you deal with the emotional abuse characteristic of relationships with BPD, and provide a safe and assuring environment in which to talk over your feelings about the partner. You may also learn ways of coping and reacting to the disorder that shield both you and your partner. Question the therapist beforehand about their knowledge of BPD; the disorder is not so widely known that you can assume they are familiar with its particular issues.

If your partner is in therapy, tell their therapist about your intention of leaving. An ethical therapist will NOT tell your partner of your intent, but can help prepare them for the event, easing not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change. There are many legal ramifications of leaving your own home, or forcing an abusive partner to leave a shared home. If you are not legally married, you may not have the normal court protections.

Lawyers are also useful in discussing such issues as possible restraining orders.

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

If you are planning divorce it is very important that you make legal moves carefully before you make your intentions known to your partner. There is also the possibility of counter-lawsuits from the abandoned party against which you may have to defend yourself. Since laws vary from state to state, and country to country, and you may find conflicting advice from friends and family over these laws, give full weight to your lawyer's advice.

Document as fully as you can the abusive actions of your partner! Keep a diary of strange behavior. This will be valuable evidence in case authorities "do not believe you" or if the person with BPD makes false accusations or blames you for the breakup.

Dealing with breakups is a million times harder when you have a personality disorder

Given that BPD behavior is more commonly witnessed by the partner, while the person with BPD may act normally in front of others, you may need backup to your claims of abusive behaviors as others may not believe you. You may also find that referring to your documentation strengthens your resolve to leave. Take all your personal posessions with you when you leave You do not want to be "held hostage" to personal items that you may want to retrieve later; you may even find them missing or destroyed.

Once again, consult a lawyer over the legal ramifications of abandoning or taking mutual property. Instead of taking everything at once, you may decide to move individual items one at a time, especially personal items, or those useful in an independent living situation or "sudden exit". Be careful, however, not to tip off your partner of your intention of leaving by removing everything at once, or obvious items that suggest you are leaving.

Do not prematurely tell the person with BPD that you are leaving! It will backfire as a threat due, once again, to the sometimes extreme reactions of the disorder.

Because people with BPD tend to "act out" their disorder more around people they know, you will be inhibiting that behavior by having strangers around you. Friends may volunteer their help, but you are better off paying for a moving company to aid you -- this not only makes the move happen quickly, it also furnishes strangers who can witness any bad reactions.

A BPD person caught off-guard, in the presence of strangers, and during a sudden, quickly-occurring move, is safer than a BPD person who has had time to prepare their response!

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

Let both your workplace AND the police know about your impending departure ahead of time. As abandoned BPDs may start a "smear" campaign against you -- they may even call the police on YOU -- this helps to short-circuit that attempt. Have your documentation of the abusive behavior at hand. Police may be puzzled why you are still in the abusive situation, and think you simply need an escort back to the premises to pick up your stuff, so make them very aware that the real danger with BPD is not so much in the staying, but the act of leaving!

Have them arrive shortly before the movers to either witness as strangers, or to talk to the BPD partner and warn them about doing anything rash. Remember, as a taxpayer, you have the right to ask for a police escort at any time. If they are having an affair, DO NOT have an affair yourself, as you may find the reaction much greater than you anticipated especially from one who is indulging in the same behavior!

Likewise, you may find any distrust of you turned into material for a "smear" campaign as listed above. Due to the nature of BPD, you may be "hoovered" at the time of leaving or afterwards. This means your partner will suddenly be on their best behavior in an attempt to suck you back into the relationship. Keep in mind the cycle of their behavior; even when things return to "good", they will also return to "bad", and the fear of abandonment may make the "bad" even worse when it returns!

To guard against the "hoover", you may want to NOT leave a forwarding address or phone number. If you MUST do so, leave the number of a "neutral" third party, such as your lawyer or a mutual friend who can screen what is a reasonable and what is an abusive request.

Partners of BPD – Ex's and/or On And Off Again – Why? | Counselor & Life Coach A.J. Mahari

Concentrate on the "right now" Instead of letting all the preparation overwhelm you, make a list, and follow it one step at a time. Unless there is the real threat of physical violence, you have all the time you need to prepare.

Always be aware that the time shortly before and after leaving may be the most dangerous period of all. As people with BPD are very sensitive to being abandoned, they may increase their strange or abusive behavior beforehand or afterwards, and even exhibit symptoms you have not yet seen, such as suicidal gestures or threats against your person or belongings.

These are specific actions or items to consider or do as you move out: Once again, take everything you rightfully own with you. Even if the person with BPD expresses a desire for you to leave, they may still latch upon your remaining possessions as a "hostage" in an attempt to keep you in contact. Or, they may rage against the departure and destroy or throw away any item that reminds them of you. Since some people with BPD have trouble "remembering how they feel" about other people, they may show a strong unwillingness to part with items that remind them of their partner.

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Even people with BPD who want you to leave may be tense or, possibly, temporarily psychotic as you pack. If you can, pack and move when they are not present. If you are unsure whether they will be present or not, have strangers on hand as a means of keeping the BPD in check people with BPD who cannot control their rages in front of you may sometimes show remarkable restraint in the presence of strangers.

Once again, as a citizen you have the right to request a police escort in or out of a potentially abusive situation -- use it! Do not linger after packing or make much of your going. Barbara Greenberga clinical psychologist who treats patients with BPD, explains: Often, this emptiness and intense fear of abandonment are the result of early childhood trauma and the absence of secure, healthy attachments in the vital formative years.

Paradoxically, the overwhelming fear manifests in behaviors that deeply disrupt the relationship and pushes partners away rather than pulls them closer, resulting in a stormy and tumultuous dynamic that typically emerges in the early days of dating.

When they are in relationships they get very intensely involved way too quickly. But then what comes along with it, a couple of weeks later, is: Everything is done with passion, but it goes from being very happy and passionate to very disappointed and rageful.

  • Advice Wednesday: Should I Let My Ex Know About My BPD Diagnosis?
  • Partners of BPD – Ex’s and/or On And Off Again – Why?

Prior to her diagnosis, her boyfriend, Thomas, used to blame himself for her hot and cold behavior. Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns people with BPD tend to have: I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.

If someone treats me badly, then I become bad. When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

Detaching with love starts with you. You must truly convince yourself that you are not responsible for another person's disorder or recovery from it--even if that person is your child.

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Naturally if the BP is under 18, you will have to use your own common sense and make your detachment age appropriate. But no matter how old the BP is, you do not have to let the BP see you get flustered, upset, or lose control. The calmer you are and the more you can let him take responsibility, the more you will reinforce that he is capable of taking care of the problem himself. Remember it's Detaching "With Love" It's important to remember the "with love" part.

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

Detaching with love is not a way of treating someone one else, judging them, controlling their action, or implying approval or disapproval. If the world were a store and someone came up to you looking for the auto parts section, detaching would be like saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not the sales clerk.

not letting go of an ex relationship bpd

I don't know where the auto parts are; perhaps you can find a sales clerk at the customer service counter. Then leave me alone! Learning to Detach with Love Coauthor Paul Shirley first learned this Action Step at a retreat intended to nurture spiritual development. However, because it can serve as a powerful catalyst to help individuals free themselves from old entrenched patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, he is offering three different versions so you can find one with language that makes you comfortable.

Feel free to rephrase the wording if need be so the Action Step feels more comfortable for you. Think of the first name of the person from whom you would like to detach. Use the person's first name whether or not that is how you would ordinarily address that person, such as, for example, your parents.

I will use the name "Joe" as an example. Now repeat the following sentence in one of the three formats. You may repeat it out loud, or silently in your imagination: Some people experience an immediate sensation of inner peacefulness. If you wish to, savor them for longer than 20 seconds.